I’m sure as women we have all at some point imagined our wedding day. For me I’ve dreamed of that day from when I was a little girl The big white dress, bridesmaids, hen do, colour schemes etc…
Well maybe there also comes a day when you realise it might not be right for you. That’s how I feel, I really don’t think I want that anymore.
What is marriage really? It’s a piece of paper really. Obviously that’s not all it is. It’s showing the person that you are in love how committed you are to them and that you want to spend the rest of your life with. But really do have to be married to show someone all of these things? No you really don’t. Society is really who tells us this. It’s the same society that condemns you if doesn’t work and ends in divorce.
I know so many people that have had the fairytale wedding with the person who they are in love with but it hasn’t lasted. I know one person who is going through this at the moment, living in the same house with a man she once loved and now hates with passion.They have a child together and this man doesn’t even respect her as the mother of his child.
I ask myself again why the hell would want to get married?
Maybe I’ll change my mind or maybe somebody else will.
Either way I’m doing what I want and what’s right for me.
So whats been going on with me?? A lot thats what. Lets start with the fact that I actually met a guy. Not my usual type but I thought what the hell his pics look nice from his online profile and he reached out to me. Strange thing he actually lives about 2 minutes up the road from me. After going on a few dates with other guys I kinda gave up until Mr S appeared. We spoke for ages he made me laugh, there was just something about him that made me say go on give it a chance. I actually decided to be spontaneous and turn up outside his house so I could see him in the flesh. I wasn’t dissapointed and i felt giddy like a teenager. After that we spoke about going on a date and chose a day. Well surprise surprise I got blanked for the 100th time in my life. He never spoke to me for about 2 weeks. When I did get in contact with him he apologised and said he had loads of drama going on. Straight away the alarm bells started ringing. I put it out there are you seeimg someone else? “Of course not babe”. What a load of shit. He forgot we were facebook friends and was broadcasting the fact that he had a girlfriend on line. Relationship status changed to ‘in a relationship’. Last conversation we had i told him i knew, his response ” I guess you know now then?”. This is someone who has a daughter for goodness sake.
I’m more annoyed by the fact that when asked the question, why not just be honest?
This whole meeting someone is getting worse as i’m getting older and the game playing well thats on a whole other level.
It makes me ask myself the question how i can truly trust a man when i’ve been hurt by so many.
If you can’t build a relationship with your father what hope is there. He is the man that has hurt me most and I am just coming to the realisation that this negative realtionship with the first male in my life sets the bar for any other male relationship. It doesn’t help the fact that I am yet to meet another man that can prove me wrong.
I have to believe that that man is out there somewhere. Who knows where and who knows when. All i can do is believe that he does exist.
Some people find it really easy to be around others. They know how to act, they know what to say. For me I don’t find it that easy. I always find myself lost for words and when I do say something it seems to come out the wrong way. Why is that? Why is it some people can just do it and other people like me struggle so much? Sometimes I put it down to my anxiety, other times to just being a social misfit. It can make you really uncomfortable when you feel like you don’t fit in and cause even more issues amongst friends especially when they don’t know what the issues are. When I was kid a didn’t care and I was more confident. It seems as times going on and I’m getting older the struggles are becoming harder. In general I find it difficult to communicate and express myself in the correct way and that started with the depression. It became a way for me to not deal with things going on around me. If I didn’t talk about it then it wasn’t real. That worked for a few years and then I just crumbled.
There’s got to be a way to overcome this but I’m not sure what that way is. Counselling is something that I’ve always wanted to explore, but talking as I’ve said before is not a first choice for me.
Sometimes I wake up and think what kind of day will I have today? Many times it will be a good day and I’ll feel fine. Other days are hard and bad. Those are the days I dread the most. I say dread because it could be bad as in OK or bad as in terrible. Terrible days mean I can’t be bothered, I feel really low and I hate myself. Hating myself can come in many forms. But mainly it’s finding all the things that I want to change. It could be simple things like hating the way I look etc.. I have many days like this of what I call critical thinking about myself.Today feels like one of those days. A day when I nothing I seem to say is right. So the response is to laugh at me or make me feel stupid. Well guess what today I feel stupid…. So guess what I’m gonna keep my mouth shut and see how you like it….
Thank God it’s the weekend. I’ve not had the best week at all. I’ve been in such a good place for such a long time it’s strange to feel this way again. I’m trying to just keep myself going as much as possible. Trying to keep positive all the time is exhausting. The feeling of being tired is there and its been a good few nights since I had a good night’s sleep.
Writing seems to be helping a little…but for how long???